So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize