I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
