girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
