I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
