We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
