i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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