i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize