I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize