I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
