You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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