i was rollin on her like bob the builder
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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