you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize