I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
