I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
