just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
