Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Do vagina's smell?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
