Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
