It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
