My boss' voice literally gives me gas
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
