the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
