Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
