The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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