im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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