I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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