Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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