The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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