Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
