Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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