It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
