Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
