So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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