we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
