she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
