Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
