New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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