FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We left an ass print on the piano.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
