I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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