Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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