You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
