i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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