walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
