Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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