I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
