so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Randomize
