i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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