One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
