I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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