i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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