Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
