we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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