Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
