My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
