I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
