Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
