you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
