I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
