There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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