How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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