Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
