So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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