My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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