Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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